She Lost Everything in an Accident, Then Built Her Life Back

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[Music]

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Welcome to author conversations with me as usual, Chris Dabbs.

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Today's guest is Donna Valentino, author of Headstrong, surviving a traumatic brain injury

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without losing my mind, and heartstrong, overcome obstacles and live life to the fullest.

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Now, in 2009, Donna suffered a catastrophic ATV accident that led to fighting for her life,

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the severe traumatic brain injury. She endured emergency surgery to recover, a lengthy coma,

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intensive rehabilitation, and years of recovery afterwards. But, you know what,

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rather than allowing that experience to define her, Donna transformed it into a mission to help

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others facing trauma, uncertainty, and life-changing challenges. Now, through her books, she shares

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both the brutal realities of recovery of which I'm sure we're going to hear about many,

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and the hope that can emerge on the other side, which hopefully we're going to hear more of.

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Donna, welcome to author conversations. It's lovely to meet you.

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Hi Chris, nice to meet you. Thanks for having me.

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No, no, not at all, not at all. You know, this is the whole point though, isn't it? It's not about

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so much the the whole accident and all of that sort of stuff and the recovery, whilst that is

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interesting. But, you know, clearly, what it's all about really is about how it inspired you,

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really, to move forward with your life, isn't it? I mean, you know, how are you feeling today? Are you all

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good? I'm fantastic. I don't really have anything to complain about, and we all could complain if we

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wanted to. Nobody wants to hear it. Especially my wife, she doesn't want to hear it.

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Oh yeah, to see that's what I'm talking about. No one really wants to hear it, but I don't

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bother with complaining because it's pointless. Exactly, exactly. So this sounds like the kind of

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thing that would inspire you, right? So what inspired you then to write both headstrong and hardstrong?

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It was a it was actually a good friend of mine who had written three books and he told me that

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you have a story to tell and people would want to hear it because you are not the only person

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who has ever suffered an injury like this. And he introduced me to, I think it was brown books

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publishing and had a great interview with the lady there. And she said, yes, we're going to

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we're going to write this book. My goal was to help other people, not just the person who is injured,

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but the family members, coworkers, friends, because they were all affected. And I'll just say this

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out loud, 10 people could have the same accident and you're going to get 10 different results. And

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God left me with my marbles. I've seen other people that really struggle to recover. And I've

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I'm recovering still. I will recover for the rest of my life. But the book was definitely a way

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was very cathartic for me to be able to write my story because I don't pull any punches. I'm just

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honest and blunt about it. And I think that people appreciate honesty and bluntness for

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us, one of the new Yorker, if you couldn't tell. That's what we do. We we pretty much just say it

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exactly how it is so that there's no, did she really say that? What did she mean by that? No, here it is.

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No, I see what you mean. And no, I think you're right. It's not just the person who who's recovering

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in whatever way, but it's just a family also. I mean, I think it is, you know, I don't know if you know

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but the formula one racing driver, the X world champion, yeah, Michael Schumacher. Yeah. You know,

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he had an accident, you know, not an ATV. He was just skiing, right? And he had an accident. And

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well, basically his family have closed ranks on him clearly to keep his his privacy. But, you know,

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he must be going through all sorts of things. And the family must be going through as well. And

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it's not only high profile people clearly. Your family would have done, but you've gone through,

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you know, just as much trauma as as Michael Schumacher's. But, you know, at the end of the day, where did

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you decide where one book ended? Heart Strong or Head Strong? And the other one began because

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Heart Strong came second, right? It did. And it's interesting because

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I like everyone else. We all have obstacles. They differ. But everyone has obstacles. And there are

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everyone has those family dynamics and they differ from family to family. And I just felt that my

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upbringing and my marriage, there were obstacles along the way. So the word trauma is an interesting

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word because I had a traumatic childhood. And again, we can go back to that feeling sorry for yourself,

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don't because whatever my story is, someone else is worse. So I just felt that what I went through,

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my mother was basically a religious zealot. She was a born again Christian. And I was baptized Catholic

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because I'm Italian. That's what Italians do. And then 18 months later when my brother was born,

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he was not baptized. So my mother became friends with at the time Jews for Jesus. I'm not sure if they

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they still are referred to that way. But she really went into this, she dove head first into it.

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So the message that I received from my mother, it was the way it was received. She told my brother and

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I in fear and with fear. So God to me was this big mean, angry God. So if I did this or if I did this,

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I'm going straight to hell. So I was on the fast track. I'm just saying, you know, aren't we all pretty much,

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but so I was raised to fear God, but not in a good way. It was fear and there is going to be like

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lightning bolts striking me down if I do something that God doesn't like. So when I left my home,

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I basically threw the baby out with the bathwater. I blamed my mother for the way she taught me,

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but basically I blamed God because of the way my mother taught me. So God was not in my life for

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many, many years. And because my now ex-husband is Jewish, if the mother is not Jewish,

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and the children are not Jewish. So I converted, and it'll be really honest with you,

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the message that my mother gave me did hit home, but it never felt good converting. It didn't feel

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good right here. Something was wrong with it. And I'm not throwing shade on anyone's religious

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preferences or their ethnic background. None of that. I'm just saying that for me, it didn't feel

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it felt wrong. It didn't feel wrong. It just didn't feel right. So I did raise my kids Jewish.

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They had their botmits for barmits for, and even my daughter being the oldest her botmits for, I was,

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man, I didn't want to do this. I want to do this. I've been to a few, and let me just, I'll just say

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something out loud. Again, I'm not throwing shade on anybody. But do you know what you spend for

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botmits for a barmits for? A lot. So I had to come to terms with that, and I did the best that I could

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with it. And then by the second time around from my son's barmits for, I deaf, I, I, I did it. It worked

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out well. They're memories for everybody. But I did not find God again, until well after my accident,

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he kept me alive. I'm just going to be honest with you. My recovery, I am still here because he

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wants me here. I didn't, I, I should be dead. But I'm not. So it begs the question, God, what is my

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purpose? Why am I still here? Yes, I've written two books. The books aren't about me. None of this

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should actually be about me. It's really about him. Why am I still here? So God is answering the

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question, but God answers the question on his time, in his way. And I've accepted that

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that's going to have to suffice. I'm going to wait on God to find out why am I still here.

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And all you can do in the meantime is do your best work kind of thing, I guess, isn't it? That is correct.

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So it was a good friend of mine was in an accident. Actually, he, I was in the accident. He, I forget what

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it was. Can General Hart fill you? It was, it was, it was bad. He was a fireman. And I went to visit him.

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And on my way back, it was raining. And somebody decided they were going to just, oh, I need that

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exit. They just missed me by about that much. Okay, well, I on my way home and thinking,

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am I supposed to scream and cry? Like I could have been in a really bad wreck. And all of a sudden

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that Paran than I'm just shifted. I just, I realized that God saved my life again.

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Okay, oh, so this was after the accident, right? This was after the accident. So all the recovery that

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went on after the accident. There is no fix. In my mind, I thought, well, this needs to be fixed.

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So that's just fix it. It doesn't work like that. It's not like a, the energize of money when it runs

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out of batteries, you put in a new one. It doesn't work like that. So it's the reality of accepting,

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accepting stuff. That's accepting is basically saying that I guess this is how it's going to be

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and move on and deal with it. It took me five years to grieve the loss of tennis. I was a really good

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player, played on a team for years. It wasn't just the loss of the sport. It was the loss of the

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camaraderie with all the other players on my team. So it's sort of like a domino effect where

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you have an accident and the dominoes just keep falling. So I can no longer play. I tried though. Trust

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me. I did. I gave it my best shot. Let me tell you what happens when you have double vision.

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I see the ball. I also see that ball, which puts the real ball.

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Right. So and I had a two handed backhand and I had a wicked two handed backhand.

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Couldn't do it because I don't have any function out of my left hand. I have no fine motor skills.

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Even after I had surgery on it, it just, again, accepting what I can no longer do and that's tough

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because Donna was that one that can do anything. Just I can fix this, do that, drive here, do,

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boom, boom. I'm good. I went from doing everything and going 90, nothing to nothing.

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So after my accident, I could not move my left arm at all. It took months before I could get any

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feeling whatsoever. So the trauma really wasn't just mine. It was my children. They got to experience

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as no one should see their mother like that. I spent 49 days in the ICU with brain bleeding,

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pressure. They basically had to do a craniotomy where they opened up part of your skull

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to let the brain swelling go down. The double vision that was something I had to deal with. I

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can't do anything about double vision. Double vision is it's my friend. It's now my friend. I have to

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accept that double vision is my friend because there's no cure for that. But all the orbital bones

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around my left eye were broken because the ATV landed on my head. So that was a twisted cheekbone,

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all the orbital bones broken. I have scarring across my forehead and I have a nice scar right down

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my middle because I had, what was it? Lacerated liver and bowel perforations. My son got to see that.

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So talk about trauma. This is again the domino effect. It wasn't just me. My family members had my

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friends. Some people deal with it well and some people don't. Some people can take trauma and kind of

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bury it and then it raises its ugly head years later. So it's a matter of just dealing with trauma.

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The frustration part is difficult for me because I'm really proud of myself. I hung a picture on

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them all last night. That's not easy to do. No, why? When I hold that nail with a little hook and I do

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this, it's like don't hit the fingers. Click out it on a wall. Sorry for laughing, but yeah, you're right.

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It's like on the cartoon. It was on the Warner Brothers. You know, you're going to hit your thumb,

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right? That is correct. Yep. So I've had to get used to asking someone else for help.

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That's tough one. That was tough for me. Sometimes it's still tough for me. In fact, I need to have a

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a keyless entry lock put on my door. I personally cannot do this and I'm struggling with asking a friend

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to do this. I can't live. You know the funny thing about it? People want to help you. It's just up

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here in my head. No one thinks it. Me and goes, oh poor thing. Oh, no, they want to help. Let them help.

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So a lot of it is just get stuck up here because it's so the frustration factor gets high.

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And I have to learn how to do things a different way, just adapt. So accepting and adapting to things that

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also are my friends, whether they want them to be or not, they are. So I just have to find different

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ways to do things and try to figure out a way to do it where I will not get frustrated and want to

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throw it in the street and run it over with my car. That's my new Yorker coming out me.

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I should run that thing over. Oh boy, that doesn't solve anything. Does it? No.

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I mean, you know, this is incredible resilience, you know, at the end of the day, it's easy to say,

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well, I don't know what I would do or what would most people do or whatever. You either, as you said,

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really, sort of cope or you don't cope, right? And hopefully, I guess what you're hoping that

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you readers will take away is some sort of way to cope with this because they've seen you go through

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you losing, well, basically tennis is a passion, but probably more than that, right?

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It is, but we have a bit of a love of your life. So, you know, with the team and yeah, people don't

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understand once you're not in the team or perhaps when you're not working somewhere, you know,

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it's a kind of similar thing. You miss the people, the camaraderie, like you saw. Correct.

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The competitiveness, the whole thing. And then you go to some, you know, will you think you can do it,

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but you just can't. And then you've got to hold yourself back, right? That's what you're saying.

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In dubbing, fine motor skills, no, I think we get it. I mean, it's easy to get, but I mean,

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cry, whoo, crykey, as we would say in the UK, Andrew Strowham. I like that. We're going to have to

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adopt that. And then the people and go, what'd you just say? Yeah, exactly. Crykey. Anyways, I think

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that it's, you know, I think you've done really well. Oh gosh, and not that it's the answer me to

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judge you or anything. I'm not saying that. But I mean, what do you think that readers could take away

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from your story in order to be able to be, well, you know, you, you've got some good tales of

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the town. So I'm good, you know, advice to give. So what would you prefer that they found themselves

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out of your story and can, and can take away? My opinion on this, um, fine God, he's there. He's there.

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Okay. So I went back to church a year ago, last, yeah, a year ago, I started a field of pull

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right around Easter week. So my experiences as a child going to church, I felt it was

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hypocritical. I didn't, I didn't gain anything from it. And I felt that people were hypocrites.

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Me wanting to go back, it was a non-denominational church. And as soon as I walked in the door,

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it wasn't anything like I remembered as a child. It's completely different. I remember

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standing up and singing the hymns and the tithing basket going around and everyone had to put in their

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life savings in the basket. Okay. Now you go and there's, there's a band playing up there and they're

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playing this beautiful Christian music. I was blown out of water. And I felt God's presence.

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And I can remember them saying at the end, if you want to take communion. And as soon as I heard

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the word communion, mmm, something, it was a trigger. And I thought to myself, calm down. Nobody died.

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You're remembering something, a trigger from your past. And you need to open the door to the future.

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And I went and I did it. And I guess what? I'm still here. Nothing happened. Big deal. So I think

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it's a matter of opening your mind and your heart and by finding God and praying to God. And you know,

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people use the word prayer. People can get all like, you know, itchy over that. No, I just talk to

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God. Like I'm talking to you right now. I talk to him all the time. I talked to him. In fact, he's my

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best friend because I talk to him all the time. God sees all, knows all. He knows my heart.

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Can't hide anything from God. He knows it all anyway. But by being open and keeping my heart and

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mind open to God, he's going to show me the way. And I think that people have different opinions about

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God. But prayer is not one of those words that you think of. You go, oh, I can't do that. Have you

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ever been in a situation where somebody will get up and pray and they're like a master at it. It's like,

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boy, I, my prayers don't sound anything like that. Who cares? God doesn't care. It doesn't like

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care. So if somebody is a great prayer warrior, here's what I say to you. Good for you. We all have

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our own gifts. And God will help you on your journey and it's a journey. It's not, this isn't a quick

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fixture like, you know, wake up next day and go, ah, I feel better. Life is the same. No, it's not.

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It never will be again. It's adapting to new you. And I think that people, if they realize, if they

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stop fighting, what they can't change, your doors will open because we're all fighting what we can't

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change. It's out of my control. I have no control over it. Zero. I'm going to get stressed out and

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upset about something I can't change. What a waste of time. It's actually a bunch of negative energy.

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But if I keep my mind and heart open to God, that's positive energy. I'm sure you've heard this before.

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What you put out is what you're going to get. You will reap what you sow. So if I plant good positive

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seeds here, because what we say to ourselves here is what comes out. If we talk negative to ourselves

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up here, oh, you, excuse my friends, you suck. You're terrible. You're worthless. You're

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blessed in human being. That's going to come out. That negative energy will come out. And that's not

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helpful to you. And it's not helpful to anybody else. I want God's glory to shine through me. I want

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to live like Jesus lived. Is it tough? It can be if you wanted to be because it means giving up

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something else, sacrificing something else that you love for something better. So I just think if

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people want to take anything out of either one of my books, you are not less than you are not worthless.

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You still have a life. God still left you here. Ask him why am I still here? There's a reason

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why he didn't take my life. So that's probably the biggest thing I want to tell anyone is that

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yes, you can read my books. You can hear them on an audio book, which I actually recorded myself.

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I was like, if you don't like my accent too bad. Who doesn't like your accent on it, surely.

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Honestly, I get comments on it all the time and I live in Texas.

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Okay, well, yeah, it's a bit different. You think with the y'all and I'm fixing to do something,

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I'm like, y'all is not even word. And I'm not throwing shade on anybody. It's like crikey,

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right? Well, in your country, you say crikey and that it means something. And someone says,

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well, I'm fixing to do something. I'm like, you're going to fix something? I'm just saying that the

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vernacular is different from the York two Texas. So it's just a matter of adapting again. I'm

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going to use the word adapting. You have to adapt. Well, they go see. So you've adapted a lot,

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right? Including just like that is correct. Yeah, adapt not only because of the accident and

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recovery, but also because you've moved somewhere else, which adds extra pressure, doesn't it? I mean,

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not many people would kind of notice that if you see what I mean and make a big difference.

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Very true. You know, I think it's interesting that you've done that because yeah, you're right. You

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know, if I went to an arrow country, you know, in the UK, there seems to be another accident every 30

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or 40 miles. Okay, it's far, you know, you guys have to travel quite some way, right? Because you've

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got a lot of space. But if I go, I don't know, maybe a hundred miles from London, the accident is like

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wildly different. So true. Yeah. And I feel like a foreign person. Right. Actually, and where I live,

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strange enough, if I look out for my window, I can see the English channel. So 23 miles away,

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it's France and Europe. So it's all weird. But anyway, it talk about England. If I was going up

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towards Birmingham, this is what I was talking about, it would be so I would feel out of place and

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kind of foreign. So having to adapt to that, whilst I'm adapting to everything else as well, which is,

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you're a strong person, I think, Donna. And I think part of this is that you've actually used this

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as a cathartic thing, right? To write your books and to sort of go through it. But, you know, it's not

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that easy to do that. Okay. So it must have been difficult for you to revisit some of these experiences,

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you know, while you were writing this book. And did you find that, you know, your beliefs helped

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you with this then to be able to overcome those because you were, you know, you knew that you were

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sharing a story that was important? Absolutely. I knew that I'm not the only person going through

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this. Someone else's injury could be entirely different. But I know deep down, I have empathy for

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that person because I'm still here. I'm still in that position. I might be better than I was,

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you know, that accident was 16 years ago. I've gotten past the point of even caring to remember

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when the date comes up. I don't care. So, and but people in general don't like change. So when you have a

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traumatic injury happened to you, all the things that you loved, something's going to change. You are,

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I am not, the old Donna is gone. This is the new Donna. And I have worked with people at,

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it's called bind, which is brain injury network of Dallas. It's in Plano, Texas. And there was

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something about that group of people where they took in a certain number of people who survived

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a traumatic brain injury could be anything could be a stroke, aneurysm, TBI like I have. And I read my book

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to two people who had dysphagia. So I'm going to use Bruce Willis's name on this because everyone

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pretty much knows who he is. He's suffering from the same thing. So all of a sudden with his frontal

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what's called frontal lobe cortex. Yeah, yeah, he has his, he can all over read. It's sad. So you take

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something you've done your whole life and maybe even enjoy it and all of a sudden it's, you can't do it.

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So I read my book to two people who had dysphagia. And then they asked me if I would like to do a writing

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workshop. I was honored to be able to do this. So I did a writing workshop and I set it

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with sheet of paper with their name, the date of their accident. I made the font like super big.

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I wanted to know what disability have you been left with. Basically I started

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who were you before? What happened after your injury? That's a whole gray area of a lot of anger,

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sadness, heartbreak. One man had a wife who just couldn't deal with them anymore. And so I'm just

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saying that there are after effects when you have an injury that might not feel so good to you.

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And then after the middle part, there was the who are you now? So I really kind of wanted to go

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through that whole gamut because it's important. There's the, well, the beginning, the middle, the end.

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Where are you now? And I loved doing this. And there were some people in there who literally fell asleep.

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That's okay. And I didn't care. You know why I didn't care? That's their injury.

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I'm not going to throw shade on your injury. That's you needed to fall asleep. You do you.

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When COVID hit, watch it 2020, that one man that used to fall asleep, he called me and asked me if I

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would edit his book. He wanted to write a book. What a journey. This was for me. It was a year journey

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of learning to do things. I had no idea how to do. But I loved doing it. You know why it opens up the

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it makes you realize that this isn't dead up here. This is just you need to adapt. Again, I'm going to use a word

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adapt to learning different things and helping somebody else. So I was able to help this man

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get his, what do you call that? The

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get a cover for his book. It was printed on Amazon Kindle. So I was able to do this with him.

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And it was an adventure because it's his story. Okay. He wanted to be a mercenary.

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Okay. Awesome. In my mind, I'm thinking, hmm, I wonder what happened in your childhood that brought you,

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I mean, I don't think anyone gets is born and says, I want to be a mercenary. Something happens

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along the way that you go down that path. So I wrote a chapter in the little bit that I knew about his

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childhood and he got back to me and said, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's right. Good. Give me

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what's right. And he would tell me and I'd rewrite it. So they were one or two, maybe three areas where

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I rewrote things with information that he gave me because I'm a reader. I love to read. I'm in that

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old school where you actually take a book and pick it up and read it. That doesn't happen anymore.

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People are on Kindle. They're doing audio. You do you. He wrote that book and I moved to Florida at

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the time and then he continued to write three more there after. So that was me helping somebody else

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to succeed on his dream of writing a book. So I think that if you if you choose to look at things in

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a negative way, then that's where you're going to stay. But if you want to look at it in a positive way,

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there are ways to help other people achieve their dream. Just because you had an accident doesn't mean

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that you're you are worthless. You have to find something something else that's going to give you

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that encouragement to do something that you probably never would have done if you didn't have

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that injury. Do you think I would have written a book if I didn't have an injury? Probably not.

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No, because you've been playing tennis, didn't you? I was too busy. I was too busy with my two-in and

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back in. I'm going to have a good time. Exactly. I'll book a key for leave this. We're running out of time

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unfortunately. That's too bad. I was having a good time. I know. Same here, right? And I'm sure that

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I listen to some viewers who are also having a good time and listening, you know, about your your

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utter positivity when it comes to this. I mean, you know, you're writing about wanting to be the person

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you never had when you were sitting in that wheelchair. And, you know, at the end of the day, you're

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actually doing it as well, helping people with a phase year or a phase year as you say, if I've

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got it wrong. But, you know, it's quite amazing that and I think it's also important to think to

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remember what you said about the brain injuries aren't just like for accidents. It's also stroke,

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recovery, you know, it's all fragility, you know, aneurysms, all that sort of thing. So, you know,

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I've just very, very quickly on this one that because otherwise, I know we're going to get really upset

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when we have to call it closed. So, I mean, looking back now, do you think that, you know, the

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Donna that existed before the accident would recognize the person that you've become now?

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Nope. She would not, she wouldn't even, I'd be a foreigner like, who is that lady?

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Really? Now, oh yeah. Know the change? This, there have been so many changes and the changes

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keep coming. I might be a grandma in a few weeks. First time grandma. So excited. So, I'm just saying,

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no, that Donna wouldn't recognize this Donna. Well, I guess what at the end of the day, we're really

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glad you're here Donna, obviously, passing on, you know, your wisdom and helping other people as well.

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So, quickly, give us your website address please. So, the people can be like getting

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touched or find your social media and all that sort of thing. I can do that. So, Donna, Valentinobooks.com

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will bring you to my website. It's actually really well done and they'll enjoy it. There's my

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biography in there. The books are in there. There's a photo gallery. I think that people if want to know

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who I am, they can check that out and they'll figure it out. I am on Instagram, perspective by Donna.

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And I know I'm on Facebook as well. And I think whatever it's set up in such a way that whatever's

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posted on Instagram is on Facebook too. And I am not a computer person. I'm being dead honest here.

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Someone else does that for me. It's right over my head. Yeah, sure. Well, that's great. That's great.

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Well, listen, Donna, Valentino. It's been lovely having you on today and talking about

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headstrong, you know, surviving traumatic brain injury without losing my mind and also talking about

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heartstrong, overcome obstacles and live life to the fullest. Honestly, yours is a really extraordinary

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story of survival, determination, resilience, adapting, finding purpose, you know, after unimaginable

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adversity with that. You've done so well. My heart goes out to you. You've enjoyed this conversation.

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If you've enjoyed this conversation, basically, listen as viewers. I'm just assuming you have

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please like, subscribe and share the episode with someone who might find inspiration and perhaps some

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help in Donna's journey. And until next time, thanks for listening to author conversations.

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I've been Chris Dabbs. Donna Valentino. It's been wonderful to meet you. Thank you for joining me today.

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Thank you Chris. Appreciate it.

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If you enjoyed this conversation, you can watch more author conversations here.

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