Nobody Believed Her: Christa Jan Ryan on Childhood Trauma, Addiction & Survival

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** WARNIING - THis transcript may not be transcribed correctly due to audio problems - pleae bear this mind. **

Hi there and welcome to Author Conversations. And yes I’m Chris Dabbs but this time I'm joined by

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author Christa Jan Ryan. Now, for

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decades, Christa has designed the landscapes for some of the wealthiest homes in

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the province. Yes, behind beauty, she brings another reality, one that I think is over at

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all. Now the best send member, Sy. Right, actually it's an award winning bestseller.

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A reward winning best sending member, silent screens on the ampent,

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was an honest encounter, a child reformed addiction abuse,

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survived all the time and it was proven. It reached number one in ampent and

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inspired a stage fraction and continues to resonate with readers through experience and difficult

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time to die for. Now today we'll discuss how child relationships are done with the voice of

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sex, the three transgressions, what recovery really looks like, of why it's happening the truth,

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but sometimes stay the right. So after that introduction to the world and the world from the

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state, it's great to have you here. Well thank you Chris, I really appreciate it. If you could

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have seen me scrambling to get this on because I'm actually in the throes of editing my next book

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that's coming out. But and I just kicked the editor out of the house because I needed to you know,

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get myself organized. So thank you for having me on. I know it's a very big topic nowadays,

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basically addiction, but we all know addiction. It's around us. We know somebody who's

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attached to addiction in our family or friends, but I think what I've been doing, a lot of my work now

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that I've been doing has been working with the trauma that has propelled the addiction. And I was

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asked to write for a magazine called, it's called Council and it is probably one of the largest

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addiction magazines in America. And one of the things that you know, we can all sit around and

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talk about 12 step programs, but one of the things that has been helped with my healing has been

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to understand what propelled my addiction. And so unfortunately, I was a person that came out of a very

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highly, highly traumatic upbringing. And it's not a different story than most people.

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The only thing as my publisher had said is that I bookended it perfectly because

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I had triplet sisters who were all born with cerebral palsy. And usually when I get to that part,

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people are like, what? Say that again. So, and my parents were very high profile people.

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My mother was a physiat teacher coach who worked with kids to go onto the Olympics. My father was a

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pilot. They did not have the tools or the skills to be able to deal with the impact that having that

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happened to our family. They were an older brother and an older sister, then they're the triplets,

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and then there were, then there was me. So, I was number six. And I always laugh when I hear

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somebody's the last because I know you get away with the most. But my parents had no coping skills.

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They drank, they drugged. There was a lot of domestic violence, as you can imagine, because of the

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heated stress that was in my life. And I would say by the time I was three years old, I was running

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for cover. And all of the normal things that a child should be getting at that time, love, safety,

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acknowledgement, just basic safety things that you want to give a child. I didn't get them. And so,

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that set the stage of high anxiety, extremely high anxiety. And then there was a trauma of growing

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up and watching the physical violence play out between my parents. And nobody's really talking about it.

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But one of the biggest components I found because of my recovery is after the domestic violence

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would come to make up sex. And, you know, after a long time I started thinking about like, what is

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up with this? You know, they're beating the crap out of each other and then all of a sudden they're

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having makeup sex. And it was actually a company from London, a rich woman magazine that explored

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the psychodrama, psychosomatic aspect, and what happens in a domestic violence situation.

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And it made such so much sense to me now after the fact. So, as an early childhood, it's just set the

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stage for a lot of trauma, a lot of anxiety. And I guess I was about five years old. And the anxiety

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level was so high in the household. I don't know what the fight was or what was going on. But

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I actually knocked back one of my parents, whiskey, soures that was hanging around. And I just

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felt this just like relaxing relief come over me. My heart stopped palitating. I could like relax.

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And I thought, wow, this is magic, right? So, needless to say, I didn't stop there. And of course,

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as the situation unfolded and it got worse, of course, I grew to love the fact that I could take

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something that would relieve the anxiety and the stress of what was going on in the atmosphere of our

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household. So, and then when you understand that you're not getting, and this is where I am now,

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when you did not get what you needed as a child to develop fully, and that's the work I'm doing on

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my inner child, you start developing behavior patterns that are not conducive to really fully

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functioning out in society as we know it. And a lot of its codependency, the complying calmer,

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codependency that starts to shift shape and make your decisions, your behavior, your friends,

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your decisions. And so, what ends up happening is by the time I was the routine, I was a full blown

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eye, I was a full blown alcoholic, like I couldn't get through the day without drinking or drugging.

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And at that point, I had thrown away probably about seven years of dance.

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And also I had thrown away a lot of years of piano so that I could continue up the pace of

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partying with my friends. So, so it did. It shaped the whole alcoholism, drug addiction, trauma,

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component, not that I was of it, but it shaped what I had become. And unfortunately,

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my parents held a very good persona of which I continue to try to impress upon the authorities

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that what they saw on the outside was what was not going on in the inside. Nobody bought it,

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nobody believed it. My mother was a high profile teacher. I mean, nobody,

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they used to call me Sarah Bernhardt because I would be trying to explain to them like,

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you know, like we're not safe at home. House would be catching on fire, car garages would be happening.

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And, you know, you could really get a good representation of the barometer of what was really going on

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by watching the triplets because they felt very vulnerable to begin with. And then you throw

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into these episodes that, you know, I wouldn't throw anybody over the edge if you were a young child.

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I mean, I have raised two children. I know when you're not in safety, the kids pick it up immediately.

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So those were kind of the components that started and shaped my, I call it my drinking career.

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But, and it went on for a long time. It went on for a long time. And I guess I was a high

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functioning because I was able to get through school very well. But in the end, after the whole school

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thing was over, those are the, those are when you make important decisions that help you into your

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young adulthood. And that's where it got dicing. That's where I can actually say, I mean, I survived it.

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I got through it, but I don't recommend it. I don't recommend it at all. So, but it worked out.

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You know, I was able to move on to different directions and a lot of learning curves,

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a lot of lessons, you know, I don't call them mistakes anymore. That's what I try to do with my children.

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I try to say, well, it looks like sounds like you're in a really big high learning curve.

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Sounds like it might be heading towards a train wreck. So you might want to turn that curve

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the other direction. So you don't end up in the train wreck. And that's all I'll say because I'm

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really my kids are old enough that I don't want to give advice. They're old enough to figure it out.

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They should be figuring it out. I figured it out. Nobody helped me. I do and I am very gentle with

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them when I know that danger is approaching. But so that's kind of what ended up shaping a lot of

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silent screams from the Hamptons, which has really gotten a big buzz word of trauma going. Because in

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that trauma, a lot of people can't get past the triggers. A lot of people can't get past the victimization.

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And basically, if boiled down to, I don't want to live like this anymore. And so I had a couple of

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things that happened that really brought me to a bottom. And I joke that I had trapped doors in my

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bottoms. And my one bottomed, I went sideways for about five years. So, well, and things will, things will

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happen the way they need to happen. I mean, I don't, I don't really want to say right now that my life

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had been orchestrated because I made some really bad choices and decisions. But I always felt the hand

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of God now that I can look back the hand of God protecting me. And one of the things I've always learned

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since I returned back to my faith, because one of the really heartbreaking things that happened to

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me as a child was at a very early age, eight, I picked up on the hypocrisy of my Christian parents

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and the hypocrisy of the Christian church that was intervening. And it really set the tone for

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the rest of my life. Because at that point, what do you know at eight? Not much, but you're intuitive,

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you're sensitive, you're recognizing two and two is not equal for, you know, I'm thinking now two

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and two might be three. You know, I walked away from God and I wanted nothing to do with anything that

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had anything to do with that. And that stayed with me for a long time. And did it shape a lot of my

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attitude? Absolutely. Did it shape a lot of my decisions? Absolutely. But one of the things I've learned

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is that no matter how bad, how hard, how far down you have gotten, when you surrender, you surrender.

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And that's where usually a power higher than yourself or greater than yourself, who I

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you know want to call God will meet you. And so those are some really elemental things that

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shape my childhood. And yeah. Well, that is that's quite amazing. I mean, you know, it's no wonder that

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you're looking, you know, a stasel, really, it's actually an ornament. I can't see why. It's that

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the kind of person you want to have. It just comes and told us that so we really got a good picture of it.

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But you know, I can't help but think. I mean, once you have a point where you really decided

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not to cover it for the detail, it goes well basically. You're too much about your family.

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It's basically better high-class. Well, it became a challenge because I would go in,

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well, first of all, my parents, my parents had one, my mother had one sibling who played a major role

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in my life. Thank God. And my grandmother. And my aunt actually brought me into her gardening realm.

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And to let me have a garden when I was seven years old. My father was also very interested in gardening.

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So and my grandmother came in and took care of me when I was young enough where my mother had to

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get back to work and my father worked. And there had to be somebody. So I was really grateful. It was

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my grandmother. But what happened is it was kind of funny, but not really. I would complain to them.

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I had to complain to my aunt and my grandmother all the time. What was going on?

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And their denial was so great. But I also think because my mother was a very powerful woman. She was an

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extremely powerful woman. And so you can imagine a powerful alcoholic. So they wasn't that they were

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afraid of her, but they were also conflict avoidant. So when you're conflict avoidant, you are not

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going to go head to head with somebody who is pretty powerful. Right? So they did this smartest thing

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that they only knew what to do, which is they removed me from the situation and made sure that

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because I mean, I put up a stink. I mean, I at that point, I'm like stomping my feet. I'm like,

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the house was on fire last night. Mom had a car crash the other night. And they're all like,

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looking at me as much to say, you know, is she making it up? I mean, what wonderland is she?

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And, you know, like they really, and so they started to realize when the news paid particles started

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going on. It's terrible to say. And I can't live now because we are all safe. But, you know,

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standing there reading an article that your daughter or your sister had just been in a car crash

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or the house that had been on fire, you know, they started to understand like, wow, we've got,

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you know, we've got something major on our hands. And so they played a big role on being able to,

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but the real part I had a hard time going up against was the church who, oh my gosh, because

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my parents served in the church, they did not want to hear about it. They were like, oh, I don't,

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you know, I think you better go home and have a sit with your parents and talk through this.

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And I'm like, no, because by the time I get home, the whiskey sour shakers are going to be going,

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and by one o'clock, they're going to be off to the races bombed out of the break cells.

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So they didn't want to hear it. And the school, oh my gosh, I was like stepping on territory.

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My mother was a teacher. My mother was so well respected in the school system. And I'm coming in

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telling on my mother and my sister and brother at this point, they were out. They were like,

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they had nothing to do with it. So I was left with these poor triplets. And so I just basically ended up

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going off on my own. And I lay off and joke about it. But by the time I was 10 years old,

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I was riding my sister's bike uptown because I had a little business because we had no money,

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because my parents basically drank it away. And the triplets cost so much money. And there was another,

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you know, crutch to buy. And there was another wheelchair to buy, you know, so there was no disposable

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income. And I at 10, I wanted skis, you know, I wanted, I wanted a bike. I wanted things, right?

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So it got me off to realizing that the only way I was going to get it was to go off and start doing

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it by myself and earning the money, the capital. So then I made the decision to go off. And I lived,

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it was lonely. It was lonely because I felt like my opinion didn't count. What I had to say didn't

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matter. Nobody believed me. So the heck with that, I just kind of get everything to myself and had

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to figure things out. Like what was the next safest thing to do? You know, attend. It's attend,

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want to play with dolls, you know? So it was pretty mature and a lot of the ways that I had to grow up

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fast. But, you know, I'm working towards this two film productions of the Silent Screams from

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the Hamptons and working with a producer also about my upcoming book that's supposed to be coming out.

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And, you know, he was so nice at the end of it because he did read, writes, you know, he did read

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Silent Screams and he did read a portion of the book on getting ready to release now. And he sent to me,

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he says, I just want to say one thing and I thought, Oh, here we go. Here comes the show. I'm waiting

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for the shoot and drop, right? We're always like, he says, I just want to say one more thing. I said,

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okay, Matthew, what is it that you'd like to say? And it was earnest and it was compassionate. I

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could say he was, I could tell you saying it was with empathy. He said, I just want to say I am so sorry

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for everything you had to go through as a child. And I thought, you know what, Matthew, don't be

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because you know what? It's made me into the hard-ass, harnessed person that I am today, the

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hard-working, the empathetic person, you know, it's created and helped me evolve into what I never

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got into recognizing how I can be of assistance to that in society with other people because I could

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spot it. I can spot it when a kid's being neglected. I can spot when somebody is having a really bad day

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or they're trying to hide something. I mean, I won't go up and shake them like, what's wrong? But I try

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to be an atmosphere where people feel safe with me. I never had that. I certainly never had that.

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And respect and listen to what they have to say instead of saying, oh, that's ridiculous. Oh,

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well, that can't be. Oh, you know, no, this is their truth. They're speaking their truth.

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And as a child, that was never allowed. I was never allowed to speak my truth. So now it's really

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important to me. It's really important that I not only speak and write my truth, but at that,

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it's important for other people to understand how important it is for them to be able to speak their

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truth and to acknowledge that their truth is their truth. You know, whatever it is, it doesn't

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matter to me, but that's their truth. And I need to respect that. Anybody needs to respect that,

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right? I mean, you don't see it in society. Don't, and people don't really respect

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today. It's all about grandma, about self-respect. Yeah. Yeah. And you have me to go out so early.

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I'm going to take on all that respect. I'm going to go out and learn money to the party

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and show to the civil society. You know, I mean, you know, you're on the street. But I think that

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one of the issues here, I think, is about how children are not listening to. I don't know how

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you thought through that, where you're telling people what's happened. But they just didn't believe it.

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I mean, you know, your family did, obviously, the small system didn't do it. No one else

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did. They had to believe you. So they must have had to accept that you would just make it all up,

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like you say, like, some drama, or whatever. But this is the whole point to stay. This is why you're

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helping people now that they can get the opportunity to be also beautiful, to have a shoulder time,

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but actively, I guess. Yeah, that it can happen. And so there's a term I've used. It's interesting

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that what comes out of all this because I'm now realizing I have coined a lot of different phrases.

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And the process is identification by association. And I find that people, children, young adults,

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if they can identify with your, what you've gone through or what you're saying, it gives them

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that feeling of association. Like, I'm not alone. Like, I can belong to something. Like, there is a

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solution. So as a child, I never was taught how to problematically figure out solutions because

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everything was a crisis. Everything was a crisis. Nobody got into the solution. Right? So, so what ends

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up happening now is on very solution oriented. And a lot of my writing reflects how I try to help

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people to understand that it's, you can identify it's okay. And what you're feeling is real.

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And how you're able to really come to the understanding and conclusion that if I was able to do it,

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why can't they? And to earnestly show them, and I do that in all my books, all my books, I

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earnestly show them the steps that I took that helped me out of my dilemma. Is it all going to be all

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their steps? No, it's not. Everybody's going to have a path. Everybody's going to do different steps.

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But here's the one important thing I will never, ever forget. I was in, I homeschooled my children because

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I was so, oh my gosh, the whole entire school system was a dinosaur. And I just couldn't, I couldn't,

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I just couldn't do it anymore. And so I homeschooled my children. And I had to make this decision.

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And I went into this charter school and I was evaluating the school, there's a charter school. And I

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hit it off with the, with the principal really well. And I, I said something which I, I am so grateful that I

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spoke up again. And I said, well, you know, Steve's name is Steve Berman. I said, you know, Steve, I'm a big

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help advocate. I like to get my hands up in the air and ask for help. And he looked at me because

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my parents, my family, buried our family because they couldn't ask for help. But what that man said to me,

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I have carried for 40 years. He said to me, Christa, to not ask for help is to not allow yourself to grow.

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Whoa, I was like, whoa, like that blew my mind, right? When you, when you put it like that, you know,

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people suffer with picking up the phone, people suffer from like spilling out what's wrong, people

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suffer. They keep it inside of them. They get sick. But when he sent that to me, I thought, wow,

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I mean, what an advantage to understand the less I asked for help, the less I'm going to grow.

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Right? Yeah, actually, we actually must have helped. Well, it validated and solidified that it's okay

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to ask for help. Yo, the house is on fire. Yo, I can't, you know, so it just validated everything. And I

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know because I've worked in the recovery arena for 22 years, people want to be validated.

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People want to be validated. Yes, it happened to you. It was real. I had a prison ministry for 10

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years. I need to tell you, I learned more about myself and my interaction with the human race,

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with these guys that I worked with in prison for 10 years. It was like probably one of my biggest

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gross spurts in my life. I had to drop myself righteousness. I had to drop my judgmental. I had to

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drop the idea that I thought I knew I had to drop the idea that, oh, this happened because that happened.

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And you know what this, if you do that, then this is going to happen. Well, open up the window,

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throw that right out because that A plus B did not equal C when you, and so when I gleamed that

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and understood it, I was like, wow. And all I did with these guys was validate them.

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I want to hear about the recorcerations. I want to hear about why they were there. It didn't matter

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to me. It didn't matter. They were there. What are you doing about it now? And the reason why they were

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there with me is because they were working a recovery program to gain the skills and the tools

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on what they needed to do when they got out. Duh. Hello. What a concept.

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What a concept. Yeah. Yeah. What they. They couldn't have asked for help from somebody,

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you know, as what experienced them and what you basically, you've done the whole thing. Right.

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So that just, that just kind of propelled my ability to work in the arena of recovery even more.

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Because I started to understand that how do you get to recovery? How do you get to your bottom?

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It matters. It matters. And it's painful. And yes, you have to acknowledge it. But the big question is,

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what are you going to do now? You're here. You're at the bottom. What do you want to do? I went sideways

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for five years. I don't recommend. But, you know, what do you want to do to help yourself?

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And so that's always been a big aspect in my life when I work with people. I accept it. I validate it.

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I listen. I try my best to be as empathetic as possible. I understand the concept of victimization

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and where it can take you mentally. But I always ask the one question I always asked,

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which really got the guys going, you know, how many of you want to get out? The hands would go up.

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How many of you guys want to come back? And they'd be like, you know, they like, they'd have to think

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about that. You know, it's like, so are you willing to do what it takes not to come back? You know,

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and that's the same concept that you give the person in recovery or who's at an emotional bottom.

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What do you want to do so that you never have to end up here? Suicidal, ready to kill somebody,

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homicidal, suicidal, you know, it happens. It happens. You know, people can allow their emotion. So,

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so the question then becomes is, what do you want to do? What do you want to do to get yourself out

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of this situation? How hard do you really want to work? Do you want to take a pill? Do you want somebody

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to do it for you? Do you want to do the work that it takes to do it to get yourself out of here and not come back?

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And how many of you think that, you know, you say, do three, obviously, we want to put up with choices

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like that. You want to take the right choice, but to do it is to take some, so you work with those

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prisoners all the way through that trip to help them. So I mean, are there success stories?

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You know, Jerry, that's all there is to do. Well, I have one guy I have to tell you, you know,

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that this is just an exclude. This is he's really an exclusive. A lot of them have stayed out.

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This guy's story should be a film. He will.

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[ Silence ]

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And blowing his brains out, his father's brains out, and then his mother's brains out at 12 years old.

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Ran and lived in a cave.

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Surabelle.

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[ Silence ]

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He took, came out, and miracle upon miracle started on Ravley because he did the right thing.

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All his dreams, all his hopes, everything that he ever wanted to do because he stayed on the path

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and didn't allow the triggers to propel his decisions, didn't allow the triggers to move them

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and keep them in the behavior that he was so accustomed to. Today, he's a fine upstairs. He is now,

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he is now the chief of the fire department in one of the towns here and runs the town program for

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the actual keeping the town green and you know, he's under, that's under his authority.

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Has it been easy for him? No. He's about ready to embark upon getting his pilot's license.

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Now, would that happen if he had to make the decision?

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I don't think it's me. I really think it's because because I really feel that if it hadn't been me,

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there would have been somebody else possibly because there were. There were groups of people there.

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But what ends up happening is you give them the choices. He makes the right choice because he understands

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there's consequences to bad decisions. And you know, a guy's used to greet me at the prison

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and they used to say, you'll never get to see what I learned today. I'm like, I have no idea

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or this week or whatever. I'd be like, I have no idea and I'd be like, oh god, I hope it's not

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how to pick the lock and then, you know, because your mind can always go to wear out and wear. They could go.

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He goes, I learned how to pick up the phone and ask for help today. And I was like clapping,

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shaking, like, like, hallelujah, right? He says something happened and I picked up that phone and

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I called somebody and so I didn't punch the guy out or choke him. And I was like, good on you, man,

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right? Because that's the natural thing. You want to choke somebody. You want to beat the crap out

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of him. He says, I ran the phone and I picked up the phone and I asked for help. I was like, wow, you

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know? And I was at that point. I thought, well, maybe maybe I am making a difference, you know?

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Because you don't know where it comes in. You don't know what, you know? And then there was this whole

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bus load of the guys that came in. Oh my god, very heartbreaking. And they had just come back from

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Boston. And they were, and I don't want to talk too much about this, but they had just been

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bust in to go on trial to stand up against the priests that had sexually molested them when they

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were very young children. Kept me, everything I had to keep from crying. Thinking, little young

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Walter Boyd wants to be in there serving God, little candle boy wants to just, you know, do the

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right thing and he gets sexually molested by the priest in charge. And these guys, like, are you

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probably heard of the case that's been going on? It's, you know, it's a big case. These guys were

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bust into Boston to go on trial. I'm talking like 12 guys. That's a pretty high percentage of

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inmates going in that have been sexually, you know, so then you think to yourself, holy crap.

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If they had been sexually molested, what's the residue from left from that? No wonder they're acting

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out. No wonder they're in jail. No wonder there's the steal it doesn't mean it's right. They didn't have

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a mother or a father or a relative or an aunt or a grandmother like I had. And they were left to

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their own devices, but the anger and the violation that goes along with any kind of rape or

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sexual abuse is not perfect. And what I ended up learning through the whole aspect is I realized that

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the most important thing for them is that to teach them that they were not responsible for what

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happened to them. Because a lot of them think, oh, if I hadn't done this, if I hadn't done that, if I

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hadn't gone over to them, no, that has nothing to do with it. So you get to see some pretty horrific

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things when you're in the recovery world. And it's shaped a lot of my perception that I understand

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that we're living in a world where my story, which was horrific, was kind of a walk in the park

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compared to some of these guys. Consider, I mean, I haven't even gotten to the female women that I've

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worked with. You know, and so everything, everything I can make this, everything in your childhood shapes

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that whole development of what you can become to what you do become. And it's just, and unfortunately,

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we're living in a world today where it's just not great. It's just not things just parents are busy,

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parents are drunk, parents are beating up each other, parents are high, parents, you know, it's so

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can it's so hard for a child nowadays to get a break unless they feel a real desire to want to be

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able to rise above. We're talking about resilience here. It's in terms of your life. Some of these people

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think that's right to be able to build their own resilience. Those people who are

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the first people to that drive, you know, that's got a good task as well. And I don't say it's a fifth

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descent. How do you think that if you're from a family that suffers or feels trapped,

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feels trapped by a picture or whatever it is, what would you say to those people if they're watching

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what's it real classic? Okay, so there is no situation none that I'm going to get teared up. There is

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no situation that you can't heal from. There is no burden that is so great that you will never

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be released from. That basically what boils down in every single human being's life is the fact that

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we have a destiny and our destiny does not be predetermined by who we are. We do not have to be

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defined by what happened to us. And that took me a long time to understand that that didn't have

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to define what my future was going to be. That the choices that I have to make that I can make

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that I should be making are what's going to help me get along and move forward in my life.

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But one of the aspects that I am so grateful for is that I was able to ask for help.

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And I have found that with all that we have created and I don't know about London, but all I know

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about what goes on in our own little community is that there are so many places you could walk into

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and say, I need help. I don't have a meal. I don't have the place to stay. I'm an addict. I'm an

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alcoholic. I can't go home anymore. My parents are dangerous. There are I don't I know of five

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places right now that I know of that people can come in maybe six places, maybe seven hotlines that

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they can call because we're set up for it now. This is like the norm. So each person has to get to that

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point. It's not pleasant. Believe me, I don't like it when I'm in there. It's a point of brokenness

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where we learn to surrender and ask for help and take the initiative and the desire to want to go

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and get help. I mean, I have seen cases. I have worked through cases. You know, that left me in tears

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and left me to think I didn't say it, but I think, oh my god, I don't know how they're going to get

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out of this one. And multiples would start on rattling. Certain things would start happening

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because we can control the way things work outside of our own little realm. And you know, I'm a big

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god advocate. And I know that God works all things to the good of those who love them. And you can

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shoulder God with a lot of responsibility that normally the person would shoulder all by themselves

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and would probably crack them. So I just feel like the most important thing I can leave anyone with

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is that there is nothing that you can do. Nothing that nobody can't help you. That there's so much

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help out there. You have to understand when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired and

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you're willing to go out there and do something about your situation. I know there's help out there.

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I know it. I've seen it. I've I got it. I got the help. And I'm in a situation now where I'm working

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and helping other people and empowering them because you know what? I can't do it for them. They could

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they're the only ones that can do it for them. And by empowering them, they understand that they do

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have control over the situation. Most people grow up. I grew up. I had there was no control of anything.

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I'm like, I was sold. I mean, it was like, holy crap. What's going to happen next? So when you

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relinquish the control in a surrender, you're able to actually realize that you do have control over

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the consequences of what's going to happen next because you're asking for help. You're getting

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it out there. It's your choice. And I don't think a lot of people understand that they are the ones

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that become empowered and they are the ones that are going to be able to change themselves.

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It's not going to be a little old me. It's not going to be that little old support group. It's not

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going to be a book. It's going to be them wanting to do the work necessary to not stay around and on

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the bottom that they're at. And I think you mentioned earlier a lot about

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themselves, but they have to be showing not really that support thing. That it can be done. And I'm not alone.

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I mean, I'm not alone. I'm not this like, you know, person, no. I just took what it was necessary.

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The reason why I wrote, the reason why I wrote was my very first book, which was about the death of

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my daughter. You want to talk about a god of bottom? That's the bottom. I moved sideways for five years.

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If I hadn't used the tool of writing, I don't know where I'd be. I don't know where I'd be. So I'm a big

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journalist. One of the things I really try to impress upon people is to journal. Write your thoughts.

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It becomes real because when you write things out, you own it. And by it, when you go back and look

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at that, you're like, wow, I really felt that. Wow, I really thought that. Wow. So what ends up

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happening is we developed tools. And so for me, it was the ability of learning how to transpose my

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curts, my habits, my hangups, all of the victimization that I had into a proper place so I could start

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to get a perspective of it. What was my part in it? How did I react? What was the right thing? I mean,

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there's so much that happens to you when you start taking the initiative to start utilizing tools

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that are out of your comfort zone because you are where you are because you didn't have the tools

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and you didn't have the ability to be able to understand how to stop what was happening to you.

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So it's not a little old me and I'm here to empower the next person who wants to kill themselves,

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who wants to go out and get shit-facing drunk, who wants to just whatever. You have the power.

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You have the power to control where, what, and how you want to make that next decision to fulfill

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your destiny. And you're right, people feel that the

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wins are right cases, that they don't get the opportunity to choose for themselves,

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ever, then allowing them to do that or maybe making it more obvious that they can't do that

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as well as they have to go out and say, but we're actually quick and run back time.

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Here I'll fortunately, I could just age, hate to talk about it, but I'm sorry because what you're basically doing

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is paying for it, to be the key to the key to the key to the key to the key to the key to the key to the way.

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Because, and I think you should think about this a bit really, you've begun from all of that childhood trauma

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which you put down in scientific and to the way. And at one of the things that you had

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before to do, at least for that span in different kind of way, I have seen you do that, you've been achieving

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most of all ways, especially you think what that's going to happen. That's going to be all sorts of things.

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That actually, I have really been the sitting focus and level head of the principal team and you being

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a matter of right. So yeah, my greatest, my greatest lessons, I always say my children were my,

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my, my most powerful teachers. And they still are. They're 35 and 30. They're still teaching me stuff.

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But I have to be willing to listen. I have to be willing to do support against not like the lessons come

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and I'm like, oh, no, I have to be willing. My part is being willing. And you know, it's been a wild ride and

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I can actually, I get really teared up, but to be able to say you're grateful for the whole ride at this point,

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um, you know, that is the blessing. That is the blessing. And I just feel that my part in it was the

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fact that I was able to get out my hand and ask for help and decide that I didn't want to look like

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this any longer. There had to be something better. And I just made that decision, stuck with it and

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stayed with it until I was able to get through enough healing. And the healing will come.

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Because some, I guess, feel that you're going to work. So you're on the stand, you're on the serve,

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right? So yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you so much for having me on. It was a great show. I want to thank

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you for a great show. I'm looking forward to seeing the link again. And I just, you know, if you could

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write in my website where people can get in touch with me, that's great. And, um, you know, I just released

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the compliant cowgirl, which is a book about codependency. Silent screams is about addiction. And from

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the depth of this woman's soul is about the loss of a child. And the book I'm working on right now

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is how to navigate in the community when your child falls into addiction. That's my new book coming out.

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Well, thank you for telling us about that. I want to, why don't you tell us about your

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website? How can people get in touch with you and have the people look at what I do? Okay, so it's

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www.booksby. And then it's just my first and second name, Christa Jan. So it's www.booksbychrista Jan.com.

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And, you know, I don't know where else you could reach me. And if you want to pull up some, a lot of my

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TV shows are on my website, which is a beautiful website. A lot of my gardening pictures of 45 years

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are on there. I've been putting a lot of interviews, some really amazing interviews, two of them,

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which were Anna London, which I was really excited about. I'm actually thinking of, I have a

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literary agent that's interested in this next book, who's out of London, who's really interested

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in the book. So I guess London's where it's at, you know, so. London's very hot right now.

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Christa Jan. Right. Thank you so much. I'm sharing your incredible story. I mean, you know, at times,

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super emotes of your own, fond of you. And at other times, super emotes are not thinking about

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the people that you're helping. And I think that science brings from that to this.

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A remarkable aspect, so that's all my attention, and I'm obviously

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it's all about the family. I call it the family of origin because we all have a family of origin.

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And I carry that through all my writings because I always go back and forth about where and how

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the family of origin is doing. They didn't get help. They didn't get help. They're drowning.

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And it's very sad for me to watch as an adult, you know, that the, the, the, the, they know,

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nobody got help. Nobody wanted help. Nobody wanted to do anything about their situation. And

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it's really apparent. So, but you know, the old expression, you can lead a horse to water,

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but you can't make them drink. So the water's there. The well is full. And it's really divine.

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So I would think people would want to get there and slurp it up. So. But yeah, I do. So that's

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the point. I think going to do it and it's a matter and still turn out to success. So everybody,

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listen, thank you for watching and listening to all the conversations. I think Chris

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now, but you guys learn more about the television work with the Western Event,

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right? So let's check out what I left side, which will put down down there. Well, one more time,

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Chris. So what's the website? It is www.books.coksbycrestaghan.com. And there you'll be able to see the whole

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Danny from, I want to give a plug for Danny from auto books really did an incredible job

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putting it all together. He accumulated 45 years of my career and one website. So that was really

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great to look at because I kept saying I did all I did all that. Oh my gosh. I did all. But it started

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with it. Yeah. It started with asking for help. Simple thing. That's the thing I'm going to take. Yeah,

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that's the thing I'm going to take. It's not shameful to help the health. It's bad to help.

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It's bad to help you. You don't allow yourself to grow by not asking for help. Who doesn't want to grow?

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Who doesn't want to grow? He doesn't want to.

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Listen, listen, listen, if you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe. Leave a review on your favorite

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content, that book and share this conversation with someone. Yeah, and check me out on Facebook.

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Facebook, Christa Jan Ryan, I have a fan page and big, big page with, I've post everything there.

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So check me out on Facebook, tell me where he met you, heard me or met me or whatever. So that'd be great.

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Yeah, well I look forward to all of this happening. And Christa, I hope you're doing together

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future with your other thoughts. But thanks for listening. And I'll see you guys in the next

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episode of all the gutter. Christa Jan Ryan, please be ready to see and hope you have a great

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day. Thanks, Christa. If you enjoyed this conversation, you can watch more Author Conversations on YouTube.

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** WARNIING - THis transcript may not be transcribed correctly due to audio problems - pleae bear this mind. **